The Path of the Squirrel: Musings from the Mountain

I sit here and look out the window from my office taking in the beauty of this gorgeous Sunday morning. The sun is bright and shows off the hue of the evergreen trees in a sea of brown leaves that dominate the Fall landscape. Escaping from their cell block of quarantined isolation, I am happy to see couples walking their dogs down the street. One of the few pleasures we can safely experience is a walk and rejoice in the feeling of the sun on our face. There is peace, appreciation, and beauty on this mountain.

As I reflect, I realize that I have experienced some of the kindest and cruelest moments of my life this year. 2020 is and will always be the year of the COVID Epidemic. This public health crisis has amplified all that is right and all that is wrong in our society. I have felt the kindness of a stranger when an older man stopped his truck to help me clear a fallen tree off of the road. I have also felt the cruelty of strangers after experiencing online bullying, public shaming and having election signs stolen from my yard. I was not liberal enough for some, and too conservative for others. The hate speech thrown my way over the last few months has been very personal and originated from both mainstream folks and fellow queers.

I am on sabbatical this semester and very thankful that I am not required to interact on a university campus with so many people. My isolation on this mountain top, quarantined with my wife working from home, has created a false sense of security and a fear of interacting with others. We feel extremely blessed that our work situations do not require us to interact daily with others indoors. My days are spent  accomplishing the goals that I have created for myself. After completing a Spring semester during a quick university lockdown, I rewarded myself by spending the summer completing and self-publishing an eight-year research project. Just like every other part of my COVID existence, I experience a spectrum of emotions about the creation of my first self-publication.

Perhaps, I have had too much time to think and feel. Life was simpler when I went from activity to activity without much reflection. Unfortunately, the decades have passed quickly without the personal satisfaction I desired. After living on the West Coast and in the Rocky Mountain regions, I find myself back where I started, spending most of my adult working years in my hometown where my father worked and where I attended university. I look out the window again and see a squirrel scavenging the yard for food. He goes in circles from one nut to another. The squirrel picks something up and shoves it in his jaw. He then picks something else up and throws it back to the ground. In some ways, I have lived my forties like my squirrel friends outside of my window.

The pandemic has been a curse for so many and I sometimes feel guilty about the blessings that I have experienced during this difficult time. I am close to finishing a second self-publication and a new program/course for women experiencing “less than” they want life to offer. I have experienced so much joy in my life while uncovering primal desires, erotic expression, and a divine connection to something much bigger than myself. My newest written work focuses on helping women safely explore their hidden desires. COVID has forced me to sit with myself and determine what is most important. I hope that I can help a few women uncover the joy that I have been so blessed to have experienced.

So ends my messy Sunday thoughts. I no longer desire to live randomly like a squirrel and it’s time for some sunshine on my face today. I will live intentionally and strive to a better person today than I was yesterday. How was your Sunday? 

Toni Bear, Ed.D.